How to bake a ham

This is something I should have learned when I was a nineties kid. My parents probably tried to teach it to me, but instead of taking notes I was sketching strategies to beat campaigns in Command and Conquer.

Version 1

Make sure you have: Orange Juice (no pulp), Brown Sugar and Dijon Mustard. You’ll also need a baking tray (big enough to hold the ham, small enough to go in the oven), a basting brush or a spatula (Spatula City!) and a small container.
Preheat the oven to 160°C.
Mix (like really mix) 1/2 a cup of orange juice, 1/2 a cup of brown sugar and 1 table apoon (TBSP) of dijon mustard together in a glass, cup or some sort of container. Something large enough for you to dip a basting brush or a spatular into. If you think you’ll need more, double the ingredients. Better to have excess than not enough. The last time you did this, 1/2 a cup was fine. Keep coming back and mixing the ingredients. The juice and the brown sugar hate the mustard. You’ll see.
Remove the ham rind (that brown outer leathery skin) from the ham. Remove it all. As much as you can, don’t be shy. If it’s christmas, maybe give the ham rind to a doggie.
Criss-cross the fatty layer with a knife. The entire ham. Don’t just do one side, you twit, and don’t cut yourself! Bonus points if you can make diamond shaped criss-crosses. Don’t overthink it, squares are fine too and the ham will never know.
Don’t be lazy, criss-cross the front as well (the part that used to be connected to the rest of the pig, I guess that’s the leg bone…).
Put the ham in a baking tray. Things are about to get messy.
Use a basting brush (or a spatular) to cover the ham (the entire ham) with the mixture. Don’t be stingy, but also, don’t just pour it on either.
When the oven is ready, put the ham in the oven.
Every 20 minutes (for the next two hours, that’s 6 visits), come back and rebaste the ham with fresh mixture. As you start to run out of mixture, start using the juices in the bottom of the tray to help rebaste.
After the 6th visit, turn off the oven and let the ham relax in the oven. Prepare a plate and a pillow case (or some kind of material bag) to put the ham into. Soak the pillow case in about 1/2 a cup of vinegar and 1/2 a cup of water. It’s not an exact science, but you’ll need enough liquid to soak a decent amount of material. I suggest mixing the vinegar and the water together, so you now have a cup of liquid to soak the pillow case in. Big brain!
Take the ham out of the oven and put it in the pillow case. Let it chill on the bench for about 20 minutes before putting it in the fridge. If you’re serving it up fresh for dinner, obviously, don’t bother putting it in the pillow case just yet. Trust me, you won’t be ‘saving on mess’ at the dinner table.

Compared to cooking ravioli, this is a book! I’ll get this down to one liners in future versions.

What are your thoughts?

Unmoderated comments out in the wild aren’t really nineties style, so I’ll meet you half way. You can write to me at: writer.as@nineties.style - Sorry, no conventional mailing address.

I’ve no intention to publish anything sent to me, although I may use your point of view to enhance my own ;-)

Be honest, put in the effort (or don’t) and above all, to thine own self be true.

Before you take a fence…

Let me be clear. I’m no expert on anything you’ve just read. I worked in IT for 22+ years, had something in the realm of a mid-life crisis and now I don’t work in IT any more. These are just my unfiltered thoughts on the topic. Take it with a grain of salt. I read, and I know things.